Lord, I want to know you. I don’t want to be afraid of you the way that I am; terrified that your desire is to take away my treasured possessions, my hopes and dreams. I want to know your loving kindness toward me, Lord. I want to trust you and see you as my “loving Father”.
Soon after that prayer my husband came to me saying we needed to move our family to Missouri for theological college. He was sure that this was what we were supposed to be doing.
But I was certain that this decision didn’t make sense for our family.
Many days were spent in complete anxiety over making a final decision. Was I wrong for not “following” my husband right away; for struggling with just “stepping out”?
I became so angry that God would allow this situation. Why would He bring these circumstances when I’m praying for Him to show me that I can trust Him? Was He ignoring me? When I finally got up the courage to pray and to “reason with Him”, all I could say was:
“Lord, for the first time in my life, I’m angry at you; I don’t want to be… I don’t want to stay angry!”
God spoke to me: I know you are angry, I understand. But your heart should be broken that you don’t trust me.
I found peace knowing that the trial was not about making a decision per se, but that while I allowed myself to remain still and wait on God and allowed Him to transform my thoughts… He would enable me to do His will. That when a decision had to be made, I would make it in peace, not terror!
God was answering my prayer all along.
And through much objective counsel, I was found to have reason on my side.
1 comment:
I'm glad you were able to learn from this process. Reminds me of a song....Refiner's fire....You're coming out GOLD!
Love you.
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