The end... oh, wait, there's more...

Well, I'm sitting in my office, listening to the storm outside the window. It's our final night in our home of four years. We came into this home as a family of four with a 5 month old baby (she is now 4). We leave a family of five, with a 6 month old. So many memories...


I've been numb up to this point. Or maybe I've just been extremely busy packing. So here I am, the kids are all tucked in bed; the husband has called it a night, and I am... sad (I think).

I've never been one to dwell on memories for a long period of time. I don't like being too sentimental. I think it's mainly because I don't like the feeling of sadness when I realize that the memory, great as it could have been, is in the past never to come back. How sad... Why can't we just stay there? Stay 5, 10, 16, 18, 21, 25... Alas, the years keep passing by; the calendar keeps turning.

HOWEVER... yes, it's a big "however", when I think about what God has done, using this thing that we call "time", I'm thankful that time keeps going. It has to! Because the Nicole that is today, is not the Nicole that was at 5, 10, or 25 and thank God for that! He uses those moments... those eventual sentimental memories... to form us! Even the ugly memories... they form us! Every moment, every memory... And for a life surrendered to a Mighty God, oh what a formation! I formed up to a point, then I met Him and He is now TRANSforming me!

I'm really uncertain as to what our future holds in this new location, but it's a new chapter... so let's read on...

So I turn the page... admitting when I’m reluctant, and reminding myself that my life is not my own. And I rest upon knowing that it is for my good... for His glory!

Waves of Uncertainty

Apparently I get a little tense when things are not planned out. Things like... my life! Such uncertainty. What is our future? Where will my husband pastor? When will he pastor?

Is it just me or does everyone feel shocked when they grow up and find that not all that you had planned for yourself actually happens? That most of our adult lives are spent winging it. Seriously, there's no handbook for marriage, no step by step guide to parenting, careers come with a lot of time and work. Jobs change, people change, plans change, the economy changes!

And here I am. An adult. And I struggle still with the thought of change. Even when it's a good thing. I get quiet, like I'm waiting for the wave to come just a little closer before I have to take a deep breath to save myself from drowning under its force. Sometimes those waves look so big coming toward me. I think to myself, this is the one that will do me in for sure! But as it gets closer, often times it gets smaller. Yet as many times as I've survived the waves... I still find myself hesitant when I see one in the distance. I can continue to do what comes natural, get quiet and doubt; or I can ask God to create a heart in me that is quiet and trusts Him.

My hearts desire:

When the ocean's rise and thunders roar...

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father, you are king over the flood.

I will be still AND know you are God!

Find rest my soul...

In Christ Alone.

Know His power...

In quietness and trust!

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

***While searching for a picture for this entry... i came across this post and it was right on time!!!***

And...submit!

Just like that, Gabe is done with his online philosophy class. I'm not sure how much longer I could have taken him being busy in the office on a Saturday or right after dinner on a weekday. And I'm aware, very aware, that he'll be at it again. Some other class will pull for his attention; but at least, for now, we can take a breather.

So what will it be like when Gabe is in school for theology, or seminary, or better yet studying for Sunday messages? As a child and adolescent, I recall my dad being shut in his office preparing for Sundays or just studying; and though we were "allowed" in the office if we needed something, I was under the impression that I was not to interrupt unless necessary.

Through a recent message, Gabe and I learned to leave the office door open... literally! To allow the children to be a part of our studies, to be under our feet and in our hair while we study whatever it is that we are studying. To allow the kids to walk in on us praying!

The pastor preaching that message talked about how some minister's children will resist Jesus because "Jesus took their daddy away". I haven't taken the time to evaluate how I felt about my dad's time as a child, but as of recently, I'm finding myself jealous over the time I see my father giving to others in our church.

I'm not angry with my dad. I'm actually proud of him! Proud to call him my dad! The time is approaching when my dad will retire from the ministry, when he will "click submit".

The time is soon approaching when my husband will "click submit" to his calling as a pastor. Wherever that may be...

And for me... My heart is hovering over the "submit" button. submission to the call... submission to a life in complete surrender to God and his ways (as uncertain as that can be). submission to being the "pastors wife" and raising pastor's kids... submission...

The call

In June, my husband was called to become a pastor. At first we both really didn't know what that meant. My husband was supposed to be endevouring to become a firefighter. That was the plan! He'd finally gotten all the way to the end of the hiring process with Phoenix FD, when the state budget tanked and they sent out a hiring freeze throughout PFD. My husband was challenged to lay his desired career down in following God's calling in his life. During this time, we were about to welcome our third child. It was a very high stress time for us both.

My husband began to look into education. Specifically, he looked into moving to Missouri for free theological training and education. I was COMPLETELYopposed to this for many reasons. I didn't want to be away from my family and friends, especially after having a baby; and after waiting 7 years for Gabe to become a firefighter, I was, quite frankly, done waiting for my turn to finish my career. The plan was for Gabe to get into Fire and then go to school for ministry in his spare time, while I finished nursing.

Needless to say, when Gabe said that he was done with Fire and pursuing something new I was DONE! There was tension in our home for about 3 months while we went back and forth about Missouri.

We finally decided that I would finish up nursing because I can finish it in a shorter amount of time than it would take Gabe to finish school, while having a part time job. So, I'd finish school and get into nursing and then support Gabe so that he could go to school full time.