Heart's Desires...

I want to create a peice of art and hang it up in my home.
I want to paint my furniture.
I want to shop in the streets of Italy or France.
I want to adopt children who long for a mother.
I want to hold the hand of someone who thought they were alone.
I want to make someone laugh.
I want to bake.
I want to cook a meal that takes all day.
I want to take a road trip.
I want to love without fear.
I want to know God.
I want to have a picnic in the a national park with my family.
I want to play on a seesaw.
I want to visit a small village.
I want to see New York.
I want to take a bike ride in Ireland with my husband.
I want to sit at the feet of Jesus.
I want to help those who are in need.
I want to lead someone to Christ.
I want to be holy.

Love is...

God created me as a caring, empathetic woman.  I resist the urge to ask Him why He made me so.
About a year ago, right before a very hard time for me, I got intensely stirred up and said,

"God, I want to love like You love. I want to love the unlovable.  I want to love when it hurts, when it's difficult, when it's inconvenient. God help me to become a person that loves.The type of person who isn't "trying" to be "more loving", but is just full of love. Not the love that is fluffy and decides whether it's going to show up or not based on how I'm feeling, but Your kind of Love!"

Well, since then I feel like I've been beat up, tricked, forgotten about, and abandoned.  And let me tell you, love...
I've wanted to give up, and just say forget about it! I'm tired of feeling hurt. 
Oh heart... You wanted to love. Why is it now that you don't want to feel?
Love endures ALL things... Oh God, I want to sit down, rather... lay down.
Ministry? A series of events and experiences of pain usually caused by other people.  The weight of ministry. The weight of "being there" for someone else, being present for someone else.  The weight of caring. It makes my knees buckle sometimes. 
I guess I just wonder about who He's made me to be because I wonder how it is that I'm supposed to handle the circumstances He continues to allow in my life, being the person that I am.  How do I get to a place where it doesn't hurt so deeply.  Where I can withstand the pain because the pain no longer exists. 
I'm sure that's not what He's doing at all though.  He isn't allowing these trials to teach me how to become numb...

MAYBE... to get me to a place where, when hurt comes... I desire to LOVE anyway...

Short Update

I've been avoiding my blog, because so much happened so quickly that I couldn't bring myself to keep up with it. 

All is well.  We are still at our church.  My husband repented from a long period of unforgiveness and bitterness.  We are still very involved in our church and moving forward from a very difficult, and dark place.  So Praise God.

I am a miserable person. Full of resentment.
Reconciliation has been made.  I thought thats all that was needed.  But my husband still wants to leave our church. 
and I don't.

Aw... the rollercoaster of circumstances... just when I think it's over.  I'm aware that life's circumstances will always be up and down, but can I get on another rollercoaster already... i mean, really?!

I am starting to learn how to at least go through these circumstances without panic.  I'm not sure if it's being numb, being steady in my faith or just getting used to the ride.

Well the meeting has happened. It went better than expected. My husband was able to openly share his hurt and my father not only received the information given, but apologized for any hurt he caused. My husband also apologized for any hurt he may have caused throughout this very long process.

I want off... please.

I’ve been on what seems to be the longest emotional rollercoaster ever made; a rollercoaster that I have absolutely no control over. I’m in the back crying, screaming, pleading to get off of this horrendous ride, and NO ONE HEARS ME!

My pastor is my father. My husband has had an internal call to be a pastor.

I don’t have words to express how difficult it can be to be the “pastor’s family”; especially when you are a leader in the church. You can’t be shown “favoritism”, but at the same time, you are family and you want to be treated as such.

Because of some unfortunate events, in November, my husband thought it best for us to leave my fathers church.

November’s decision sprang up from a disagreement between me and my father. A disagreement that, when I tried to reconcile, only became worse.

We went to my father; we told him that we were wanting to part ways. He replied with, “you stay, I’ll go.” Our initial response was, REALLY? We went away from that meeting agreeing to pray about it and to bring it up to the leadership group after the holidays. We were asked not to discuss what transpired with anyone, making for a very awkward few months.

Because of the call in my husband’s life; we were now considering whether our church was the church that God was calling us to.

My husband and I decided to move closer to the church so that we could “plug in” to the community our church is trying to reach.

Conversations between my father and husband transpired while we waited for that meeting; conversations that caused confusion, doubt, anger, frustration, and division.

The meeting came the day after we moved. We came to the meeting thinking that there would be an exit strategy laid out and that Dad would announce his ‘retirement’. That was not the case. My Dad, through prayer and council, came to the conclusion that it was not time for him to leave. My husband and I were stunned. My husband was hurt and after the meeting stated that he “resigned” and walked out. This has caused a lot of frustration, anger, resentment, distrust, and division between my husband and father. Accusations of manipulation and deceit have been thrown at each other. There are people that actually believe that this is about my husband trying to “force” my dad out of ministry.

My family used to be close. We would be at my parent’s home at least once a week. Now my parents and husband can barely be in the same room. I used to be jealous of the relationship that I thought my husband and father had; so close.

I’ve been on what seems to be the longest emotional rollercoaster ever made; a rollercoaster that I have absolutely no control over. I’m in the back crying, screaming, pleading to get off of this horrendous ride, and NO ONE HEARS ME!

I met with my father and a councilor yesterday. I was able to express some of my frustration as a daughter; expressed the lack of connectivity between my father and myself. The meeting went very well. And I’m looking forward to putting what we learned into action.

My husband and I, the leadership group, and my father have a meeting tonight. I’m really unsure of what to expect. I’m afraid. I don’t want anyone to be harmed. I want them to be clear, assertive, and direct; and I want them to hear each other out with a humble heart.

It’s funny: I’ve been avoiding complete transparency in my blog because, well, quite frankly I don’t want anyone in my church to know what is transpiring. Somehow I think that I’m protecting people that way. But here it is… ugly and exposed; at least the skeleton of the beast.

Missouri Trial...

Lord, I want to know you. I don’t want to be afraid of you the way that I am; terrified that your desire is to take away my treasured possessions, my hopes and dreams. I want to know your loving kindness toward me, Lord. I want to trust you and see you as my “loving Father”.

Soon after that prayer my husband came to me saying we needed to move our family to Missouri for theological college. He was sure that this was what we were supposed to be doing.

But I was certain that this decision didn’t make sense for our family.

Many days were spent in complete anxiety over making a final decision. Was I wrong for not “following” my husband right away; for struggling with just “stepping out”?

I became so angry that God would allow this situation. Why would He bring these circumstances when I’m praying for Him to show me that I can trust Him? Was He ignoring me? When I finally got up the courage to pray and to “reason with Him”, all I could say was:

“Lord, for the first time in my life, I’m angry at you; I don’t want to be… I don’t want to stay angry!”

God spoke to me: I know you are angry, I understand. But your heart should be broken that you don’t trust me.

God showed me that during this time of fear and anxiety. I could remain still. I could wait on Him and when the thoughts flood in: He wants an answer now, if you don’t give Him an answer now, it will be bad for you; hurry, hurry make a decision or else! God is saying transform those thoughts from He wants to ruin my life –to- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I found peace knowing that the trial was not about making a decision per se, but that while I allowed myself to remain still and wait on God and allowed Him to transform my thoughts… He would enable me to do His will. That when a decision had to be made, I would make it in peace, not terror!

God was answering my prayer all along.

And through much objective counsel, I was found to have reason on my side.

The end... oh, wait, there's more...

Well, I'm sitting in my office, listening to the storm outside the window. It's our final night in our home of four years. We came into this home as a family of four with a 5 month old baby (she is now 4). We leave a family of five, with a 6 month old. So many memories...


I've been numb up to this point. Or maybe I've just been extremely busy packing. So here I am, the kids are all tucked in bed; the husband has called it a night, and I am... sad (I think).

I've never been one to dwell on memories for a long period of time. I don't like being too sentimental. I think it's mainly because I don't like the feeling of sadness when I realize that the memory, great as it could have been, is in the past never to come back. How sad... Why can't we just stay there? Stay 5, 10, 16, 18, 21, 25... Alas, the years keep passing by; the calendar keeps turning.

HOWEVER... yes, it's a big "however", when I think about what God has done, using this thing that we call "time", I'm thankful that time keeps going. It has to! Because the Nicole that is today, is not the Nicole that was at 5, 10, or 25 and thank God for that! He uses those moments... those eventual sentimental memories... to form us! Even the ugly memories... they form us! Every moment, every memory... And for a life surrendered to a Mighty God, oh what a formation! I formed up to a point, then I met Him and He is now TRANSforming me!

I'm really uncertain as to what our future holds in this new location, but it's a new chapter... so let's read on...

So I turn the page... admitting when I’m reluctant, and reminding myself that my life is not my own. And I rest upon knowing that it is for my good... for His glory!

Waves of Uncertainty

Apparently I get a little tense when things are not planned out. Things like... my life! Such uncertainty. What is our future? Where will my husband pastor? When will he pastor?

Is it just me or does everyone feel shocked when they grow up and find that not all that you had planned for yourself actually happens? That most of our adult lives are spent winging it. Seriously, there's no handbook for marriage, no step by step guide to parenting, careers come with a lot of time and work. Jobs change, people change, plans change, the economy changes!

And here I am. An adult. And I struggle still with the thought of change. Even when it's a good thing. I get quiet, like I'm waiting for the wave to come just a little closer before I have to take a deep breath to save myself from drowning under its force. Sometimes those waves look so big coming toward me. I think to myself, this is the one that will do me in for sure! But as it gets closer, often times it gets smaller. Yet as many times as I've survived the waves... I still find myself hesitant when I see one in the distance. I can continue to do what comes natural, get quiet and doubt; or I can ask God to create a heart in me that is quiet and trusts Him.

My hearts desire:

When the ocean's rise and thunders roar...

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father, you are king over the flood.

I will be still AND know you are God!

Find rest my soul...

In Christ Alone.

Know His power...

In quietness and trust!

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

***While searching for a picture for this entry... i came across this post and it was right on time!!!***

And...submit!

Just like that, Gabe is done with his online philosophy class. I'm not sure how much longer I could have taken him being busy in the office on a Saturday or right after dinner on a weekday. And I'm aware, very aware, that he'll be at it again. Some other class will pull for his attention; but at least, for now, we can take a breather.

So what will it be like when Gabe is in school for theology, or seminary, or better yet studying for Sunday messages? As a child and adolescent, I recall my dad being shut in his office preparing for Sundays or just studying; and though we were "allowed" in the office if we needed something, I was under the impression that I was not to interrupt unless necessary.

Through a recent message, Gabe and I learned to leave the office door open... literally! To allow the children to be a part of our studies, to be under our feet and in our hair while we study whatever it is that we are studying. To allow the kids to walk in on us praying!

The pastor preaching that message talked about how some minister's children will resist Jesus because "Jesus took their daddy away". I haven't taken the time to evaluate how I felt about my dad's time as a child, but as of recently, I'm finding myself jealous over the time I see my father giving to others in our church.

I'm not angry with my dad. I'm actually proud of him! Proud to call him my dad! The time is approaching when my dad will retire from the ministry, when he will "click submit".

The time is soon approaching when my husband will "click submit" to his calling as a pastor. Wherever that may be...

And for me... My heart is hovering over the "submit" button. submission to the call... submission to a life in complete surrender to God and his ways (as uncertain as that can be). submission to being the "pastors wife" and raising pastor's kids... submission...

The call

In June, my husband was called to become a pastor. At first we both really didn't know what that meant. My husband was supposed to be endevouring to become a firefighter. That was the plan! He'd finally gotten all the way to the end of the hiring process with Phoenix FD, when the state budget tanked and they sent out a hiring freeze throughout PFD. My husband was challenged to lay his desired career down in following God's calling in his life. During this time, we were about to welcome our third child. It was a very high stress time for us both.

My husband began to look into education. Specifically, he looked into moving to Missouri for free theological training and education. I was COMPLETELYopposed to this for many reasons. I didn't want to be away from my family and friends, especially after having a baby; and after waiting 7 years for Gabe to become a firefighter, I was, quite frankly, done waiting for my turn to finish my career. The plan was for Gabe to get into Fire and then go to school for ministry in his spare time, while I finished nursing.

Needless to say, when Gabe said that he was done with Fire and pursuing something new I was DONE! There was tension in our home for about 3 months while we went back and forth about Missouri.

We finally decided that I would finish up nursing because I can finish it in a shorter amount of time than it would take Gabe to finish school, while having a part time job. So, I'd finish school and get into nursing and then support Gabe so that he could go to school full time.