Love is...

God created me as a caring, empathetic woman.  I resist the urge to ask Him why He made me so.
About a year ago, right before a very hard time for me, I got intensely stirred up and said,

"God, I want to love like You love. I want to love the unlovable.  I want to love when it hurts, when it's difficult, when it's inconvenient. God help me to become a person that loves.The type of person who isn't "trying" to be "more loving", but is just full of love. Not the love that is fluffy and decides whether it's going to show up or not based on how I'm feeling, but Your kind of Love!"

Well, since then I feel like I've been beat up, tricked, forgotten about, and abandoned.  And let me tell you, love...
I've wanted to give up, and just say forget about it! I'm tired of feeling hurt. 
Oh heart... You wanted to love. Why is it now that you don't want to feel?
Love endures ALL things... Oh God, I want to sit down, rather... lay down.
Ministry? A series of events and experiences of pain usually caused by other people.  The weight of ministry. The weight of "being there" for someone else, being present for someone else.  The weight of caring. It makes my knees buckle sometimes. 
I guess I just wonder about who He's made me to be because I wonder how it is that I'm supposed to handle the circumstances He continues to allow in my life, being the person that I am.  How do I get to a place where it doesn't hurt so deeply.  Where I can withstand the pain because the pain no longer exists. 
I'm sure that's not what He's doing at all though.  He isn't allowing these trials to teach me how to become numb...

MAYBE... to get me to a place where, when hurt comes... I desire to LOVE anyway...